I can’t quite put it into words and I’m not sure yet that I want to but I am experiencing a great but terrifying release. At times it feels as if I am on the verge of mental collapse, if I’m being honest. I’m ready to quit my job and meander barefoot through the streets, talking to people or animals or whatever spirits are about looking for a good conversation. I am so completely detached from the things that most people feel are important. At the same time, I just want to blend in with the scenery and go unnoticed. I have no interest in becoming a topic of conversation or trying to convince others that I am actually onto something good. So I struggle to find that magical balance between letting go of reality and still maneuvering it effectively. Part of this is surely the PMDD talking but the feeling of being done is still very much the theme of my life right now. I feel as if I am fading away. I’ve been hyper focused on things like what songs I would want played at my funeral, what poems shared, what words do I want the girls to carry from me. Not because I am eager to go, but because I feel like that’s what is happening. Like it won’t matter if I spend this summer on the beach collecting sunshine and memories because I won’t be around to deal with the consequences.
Me: I want to quit my job. I’m tired of corporate culture and listening to people talk about golf.
D: My commune is hiring
Me: I have mad skillz
Mostly lounging and yelling at little people
D: That’s what we’re looking for
Me: Will sarcasm be one of the official languages?
D: The only one
Me: I’m in
I had a dream about you last night. I stopped by the farm but two of your friends were there so we didn’t talk much. I hung around the barn a little and then as I was about to leave you pulled me aside and kissed me like crazy. It was amazing to be that near to you again. To smell you and feel your skin. I have been reliving it all day. We were getting pretty intense when you said “I’m not sure what’s going to happen, if you’re going to up and leave again, but I just can’t help being hard right now.” The entire moment came crashing down on me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to explain why I ended things the first time. I wanted to tell you that I needed to see you more, know what you were thinking if I was going to commit to you. But it was so clear that nothing was going to change and eventually I was going to up and leave again. I wanted to smack you for saying something so stupid but I wanted to keep kissing you. Keep feeling what it was like to be near you. I miss that so much. People pulled in the driveway and the dream ended before I finished processing my thoughts. I know that I’m letting you go and that is fucking hard but it has to happen. We either don’t want the same things or are really horrible at communicating it. Either way we are doomed.
I miss writing. I miss connecting with myself on that level. I miss hammering out my thoughts and then coming back to them. Fine tuning them. Perfecting them. Anytime I have gone back and reread something that I wrote, I like myself more. I appreciate the thoughts. I’m not sure if I want to be a blogger or an author or a freelancer or all of the above but I know that I need this flow that happens when my fingers tap on a keyboard. I blame too much on my ex-husband and his influence in my life but the day I met him I was looking for a “word processor”. I wanted a cheap computer so that I would have a way of writing that could be saved and potentially shared. I never bought the computer and shortly into our relationship, he read something that I had written and was angry with me for it. I allowed that to make me too afraid to write. What if the people who knew me didn’t like what they read? Fucking “what will people think” syndrome has plagued me most of my life. I’m getting better at honouring myself but it is an ongoing challenge. Hopefully writing more and circling back to appreciate myself will help.
Well I haven’t given up yet but two nights in a row I took my phone to bed with me and shut the alarm down as soon as it started. The next two nights I went back to leaving it in the kitchen and got up to turn it off but then went right back to bed. I am really not a morning person so I am yet to jump out of bed at 5 and start getting things accomplished but I have found that being awake and relaxing in bed extra long has helped me start my day on a much more positive note than just getting up at the last minute. Part of me feels exhausted from being up so early but I also find that I am being more productive throughout the day. I’m going to keep going with this and see where it takes me. 🙂
I spend far too much time on Facebook but I have stumbled upon some wonderful things there so I keep coming back. One of the wonderful things was Jon Acuff and his #DoSummer movement. I haven’t actually signed up for the challenge, but the group I joined (on Facebook) is full of ambitious people who are working on their hustles and they have been inspiring me to bring a little more hustle to my daily life. Within the group several people were making #5amclub posts each day. I got curious and followed the hashtag to this video
Now I like to think that I have an efficient bullshit filter and I recognize the personal promotion that is going on in this video but I like the concept of starting my day earlier and creating the time to exercise, plan and prepare before my kids are up and the distractions begin. I have written #5amclub at the top of every page of my day planner for 10 weeks and my alarm is set to go off at 5 every morning, even weekends. I am committing.
What I would like to achieve is:
A greater sense of quiet through meditation.
Incorporating even a small amount of purposeful exercise into my day.
Having more focus and drive by starting my day with a plan.
Loosing some (all) of the weight that I have gained in the last 6 months.
Having time for meal prep, oil pulling, relaxing showers, etc.
I am hoping to check in each day and compare my first post with my 70th to see my progress.
Got out of bed. Walked to the kitchen to turn the alarm off. Went back to bed.
Not exactly a success yet, but I am up and functional before 8am on a Sunday so I’ll keep going. 149.2lbs