Dear Future Self

Dear Future Self,

I read a post on Reddit earlier today that talked about our 3 selves: Past Self, Present Self and you, Future Self. I saved the post so I can go back and reread it but it suggests things like thanking your past self for what they have done for you and forgiving them for their mistakes. It’s not entirely foreign to me since I have already gone back and thanked Past Self for hanging in there long enough to get help with PMDD and for being brave enough to see it all through. It didn’t always feel like it at the time but Past Self was a badass! I’ve also forgiven Past Self for a lot of things because they were doing the best they could with limited resources.

The idea of you, Future Self, is somewhat new though. I have spent some time imagining what you might be like and what you might accomplish but I haven’t really invested much time or effort in you. The post says that Present Self should be making decisions that reflect what they want for Future Self. I like the idea because it might make Present Self more aware of the 1000s of decisions they make each day. Those little habits add up so if Present Self begins to make small decisions with Future Self in mind, Future Self is going to have a better time. Putting something away, saving a little cash, eating an extra veggie, doing 10 jumping jacks. All of those things will create a bit of momentum and make it easier for Future Self to carry that forward to something even better.

Past Self was great and I will never forget what they’ve done for Present Self but it’s time to shift the focus to you, Future Self.

Cirque de Dismay

You bother me less.

But in spite of my healing, I occasionally get caught back in the eddy of fear and confusion that you were so unconsciously adept at swirling up in me. I have to believe it was subconscious for my own piece of mind.

You were the ringmaster.

The centre of the show, calling all the shots and wowing the crowds with your artfully curated performances; leading them to whatever conclusion best suited your ego.

I was a performer.

A monkey you trained, using a fluid system of rewards and reprimands. Two truths and a lie, folded into a veiled insult to leave me scratching my head long enough for you to change the subject.

You would hold up the hoops and I would jump because I loved you. You would set them on fire and I would jump because I was committed. You would hang them over a tank of hungry sharks and I would jump because I believed I could make it. You would place spikes on the landing and I would jump because it was a habit. The crowd would go wild, not knowing that the tent was collapsing on top of us all. I would lay down at night to process 1000 little traumas that had no name.

Then one day I realized that the lock on my cage was imagined, and I decided to leave the circus.

About A Boy

I don’t cry over you

Not like I do the others

You were magic, warmth and mystery

Pillows and duvet covers

The ease of water in motion

Trickling down a gentle slope

Kindess and comprehension

Smells like exclusive soap

Walks in unknown forests

Layers of green, a wolf, a river

Grilled cheese and conversation

The easing of my shiver

A sheep in punk kid clothing

Not intrusive, but ever near

I loved being there

I loved having you here

The fork came, looming cruelly

A left and then a right

Time to draw the curtains

Take a bow, say goodnight

But you raised the bar higher

Than most will dare to go

You changed my life forever

I just thought you should know

A Narc To The Flame

You don’t need to use that tone

Don’t speak to me like that

Do you think you’re getting wise to me?

Your light in need of gas?

 

Is it that time of the month?

You’re on your period or something?

You must have misunderstood, again

I would never do that thing!

 

Are we really going to do this again?

Why do you always get so mad

You should trust me more than that

I’m giving you all I have

 

It’s your family issues, really

You know that they’re all crazy

It’s not your fault you’re like this

Come on, look at me baby

 

You know how much I love you

Hell, I just said the words

You’re overthinking everything

It’s causing so much hurt

 

It’s ok, I forgive you

You didn’t mean to make me cry

You didn’t mean to cause a fuss

When you caught me in that lie

 

Now kiss me, reassure me

Make all these troubles fade away

Take all my insecurities

And place them in your way

 

Make me feel adored and special

Don’t let the focus on me pass

Don’t take your light away from me

Without it, I’m just gas