App Life

I recently had one of those patches of life where it felt as if everyone in my life had lost their damn minds. I’m a firm believer in the idea that if everyone around you is crazy then maybe you’re to blame so I decided that maybe I should take some personal time to regroup. I deactivated or deleted all of my social media accounts and apps. Even the dating ones. I deleted everyone that I don’t regularly keep in touch with from my contacts on my phone and purged any conversations that haven’t happened in 2017. I can’t scroll through memes on Instagram or judge people from high school that I haven’t seen in person in over a decade or bored text guys that I don’t really care about. The horror!

I’ve actually found myself getting way more done, being less moody and more content. I probably have to credit some of that to the Chinese Herbs that my acupuncturist gave me (so long Damp Heat!) but that’s a whole other post. With so much focus and nothing to distract me I have decided to try downloading the WordPress app so that I could conveniently channel my creativity. As “first world problem” as it is, I hate booting up my laptop and logging in every time inspiration strikes so I’m hoping that by having it on my phone I will be more inclined to throw some thoughts out for my zero followers. Prepare for text-like messages with poor spelling and no commas! That is, until I cave and download Tinder again. Or until people put their crazy away. 

Forward

Ok

First of all, Fuck 5am club. I am not a leap out of bed and accomplish shit type of person. I am a lounge in my warm bed and enjoy the sunshine trickling in person. I’m finally good with that.

Second of all, I’m here.

Rereading some of my posts from over the summer and marveling at how far I have come. I have an amazing counselor who really stepped up and pulled me through all of the shit that I didn’t know how to maneuver. Wonderful friends who reminded me of who I used to be, who I was capable of being. My family to cushion me while I fell. I will always give credit where it is due, and without these people I don’t know if I would have bothered to do the work. But it was me who did the work and I need to acknowledge that. I was in the worst depression of possibly my whole life and showering felt like the hardest fucking thing on earth, but I showered. I went to see my counselor even though I knew he was going to make me face myself. I made decisions that I didn’t feel capable of making. And even though it was messy at times, I kept my two daughters safe, fed and moving forward. Me. I did that.

I am having more and more moments of AHA! THERE SHE IS! That girl who was happy and confident. Who knew exactly who she was and what she brought to the table. She’s coming back a little bit at a time and it’s like seeing a forgotten friend and realizing just how much you’ve missed them. I’m not sure exactly when she left but PMDD, a shit relationship and spending too much time with negative people drove her into hiding. But she’s here again and I plan to nurture her and honour her until we are melded together and can never be separated again. There’s still work to be done!

So I’m lounging in bed, in the sunshine. I’m writing and painting. I’m listening to strong music made by people I admire. I’m surrounding myself with people, places, smells and things that spark a fire in me. I’m moving forward.

PS

Here’s today’s theme song -Fuck With Myself

People

The world is full of beautiful people. Interesting people with safe eyes and big bank accounts. Fun people who make me feel alive. People with passion and depth and ideas flowing through them. Sexy people who know how to pull my hair and make me forget. So many people and I only want one. One single person.

Release

I can’t quite put it into words and I’m not sure yet that I want to but I am experiencing a great but terrifying release. At times it feels as if I am on the verge of mental collapse, if I’m being honest. I’m ready to quit my job and meander barefoot through the streets, talking to people or animals or whatever spirits are about looking for a good conversation. I am so completely detached from the things that most people feel are important. At the same time, I just want to blend in with the scenery and go unnoticed. I have no interest in becoming a topic of conversation or trying to convince others that I am actually onto something good. So I struggle to find that magical balance between letting go of reality and still maneuvering it effectively. Part of this is surely the PMDD talking but the feeling of being done is still very much the theme of my life right now. I feel as if I am fading away. I’ve been hyper focused on things like what songs I would want played at my funeral, what poems shared, what words do I want the girls to carry from me. Not because I am eager to go, but because I feel like that’s what is happening. Like it won’t matter if I spend this summer on the beach collecting sunshine and memories because I won’t be around to deal with the consequences.

Fatch

I had a dream about you last night. I stopped by the farm but two of your friends were there so we didn’t talk much. I hung around the barn a little and then as I was about to leave you pulled me aside and kissed me like crazy. It was amazing to be that near to you again. To smell you and feel your skin. I have been reliving it all day. We were getting pretty intense when you said “I’m not sure what’s going to happen, if you’re going to up and leave again, but I just can’t help being hard right now.” The entire moment came crashing down on me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to explain why I ended things the first time. I wanted to tell you that I needed to see you more, know what you were thinking if I was going to commit to you. But it was so clear that nothing was going to change and eventually I was going to up and leave again. I wanted to smack you for saying something so stupid but I wanted to keep kissing you. Keep feeling what it was like to be near you. I miss that so much. People pulled in the driveway and the dream ended before I finished processing my thoughts. I know that I’m letting you go and that is fucking hard but it has to happen. We either don’t want the same things or are really horrible at communicating it. Either way we are doomed.

And it is written

I miss writing. I miss connecting with myself on that level. I miss hammering out my thoughts and then coming back to them. Fine tuning them. Perfecting them. Anytime I have gone back and reread something that I wrote, I like myself more. I appreciate the thoughts. I’m not sure if I want to be a blogger or an author or a freelancer or all of the above but I know that I need this flow that happens when my fingers tap on a keyboard. I blame too much on my ex-husband and his influence in my life but the day I met him I was looking for a “word processor”. I wanted a cheap computer so that I would have a way of writing that could be saved and potentially shared. I never bought the computer and shortly into our relationship, he read something that I had written and was angry with me for it. I allowed that to make me too afraid to write. What if the people who knew me didn’t like what they read? Fucking “what will people think” syndrome has plagued me most of my life. I’m getting better at honouring myself but it is an ongoing challenge. Hopefully writing more and circling back to appreciate myself will help.