Textie With Bestie

Me: I want to quit my job. I’m tired of corporate culture and listening to people talk about golf.

D: My commune is hiring

Me: I have mad skillz

Mostly lounging and yelling at little people

D: That’s what we’re looking for

Me: Will sarcasm be one of the official languages?

D: The only one

Me: I’m in

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Textie with Bestie

***A girl at a party tells me that my lifelong crush is a douche who lies all the time***

Bestie: But maybe she said that because she’s jaded.

Me: I dunno, maybe he seems so dumb because he is trying to keep his stories straight.

Bestie: Maybe. I can’t see why you couldn’t use him then lose him

Me: Bahaha! Play along and then just stop answering him.

Bestie: Yup. After you get what you want. He’d do it if he was a douche, right? Gender equality.

Me: I’m not sure that’s what the suffragists had in mind.

Bestie: They weren’t thinking big enough.

Me: K, I am sitting alone in my house right now laughing my ass off. I fucking love you. This is exactly why I run all life decisions by you. Perspective.

Bestie: Just make sure you stomp on his heart before he stomps on yours. Then say “well at least I got in your pants douche bag.” But I hope he’s just misunderstood looking for true love.

Textie With Bestie

Me: “Will you marry me? Aside from the whole not being physically attracted to you thing, we would make a killer team.”

“I already enjoy your company more than……… Anyone.”

Bestie: “We would pwn all the chores”

“While not on book tour”

Me: “Fuck yeah. We’d be like Martha Stewart on coke.”

“Only less crafty and more sarcastic”

Bestie: “More winey”

Me: “Cheers to that”

Bestie: “Chhhhheeers”