Me: I want to quit my job. I’m tired of corporate culture and listening to people talk about golf.
D: My commune is hiring
Me: I have mad skillz
Mostly lounging and yelling at little people
D: That’s what we’re looking for
Me: Will sarcasm be one of the official languages?
D: The only one
Me: I’m in
***A girl at a party tells me that my lifelong crush is a douche who lies all the time***
Bestie: But maybe she said that because she’s jaded.
Me: I dunno, maybe he seems so dumb because he is trying to keep his stories straight.
Bestie: Maybe. I can’t see why you couldn’t use him then lose him
Me: Bahaha! Play along and then just stop answering him.
Bestie: Yup. After you get what you want. He’d do it if he was a douche, right? Gender equality.
Me: I’m not sure that’s what the suffragists had in mind.
Bestie: They weren’t thinking big enough.
Me: K, I am sitting alone in my house right now laughing my ass off. I fucking love you. This is exactly why I run all life decisions by you. Perspective.
Bestie: Just make sure you stomp on his heart before he stomps on yours. Then say “well at least I got in your pants douche bag.” But I hope he’s just misunderstood looking for true love.
Me: “Will you marry me? Aside from the whole not being physically attracted to you thing, we would make a killer team.”
“I already enjoy your company more than……… Anyone.”
Bestie: “We would pwn all the chores”
“While not on book tour”
Me: “Fuck yeah. We’d be like Martha Stewart on coke.”
“Only less crafty and more sarcastic”
Bestie: “More winey”
Me: “Cheers to that”