First of all, Fuck 5am club. I am not a leap out of bed and accomplish shit type of person. I am a lounge in my warm bed and enjoy the sunshine trickling in person. I’m finally good with that.
Second of all, I’m here.
Rereading some of my posts from over the summer and marveling at how far I have come. I have an amazing counselor who really stepped up and pulled me through all of the shit that I didn’t know how to maneuver. Wonderful friends who reminded me of who I used to be, who I was capable of being. My family to cushion me while I fell. I will always give credit where it is due, and without these people I don’t know if I would have bothered to do the work. But it was me who did the work and I need to acknowledge that. I was in the worst depression of possibly my whole life and showering felt like the hardest fucking thing on earth, but I showered. I went to see my counselor even though I knew he was going to make me face myself. I made decisions that I didn’t feel capable of making. And even though it was messy at times, I kept my two daughters safe, fed and moving forward. Me. I did that.
I am having more and more moments of AHA! THERE SHE IS! That girl who was happy and confident. Who knew exactly who she was and what she brought to the table. She’s coming back a little bit at a time and it’s like seeing a forgotten friend and realizing just how much you’ve missed them. I’m not sure exactly when she left but PMDD, a shit relationship and spending too much time with negative people drove her into hiding. But she’s here again and I plan to nurture her and honour her until we are melded together and can never be separated again. There’s still work to be done!
So I’m lounging in bed, in the sunshine. I’m writing and painting. I’m listening to strong music made by people I admire. I’m surrounding myself with people, places, smells and things that spark a fire in me. I’m moving forward.
Here’s today’s theme song -Fuck With Myself