People

The world is full of beautiful people. Interesting people with safe eyes and big bank accounts. Fun people who make me feel alive. People with passion and depth and ideas flowing through them. Sexy people who know how to pull my hair and make me forget. So many people and I only want one. One single person.

Release

I can’t quite put it into words and I’m not sure yet that I want to but I am experiencing a great but terrifying release. At times it feels as if I am on the verge of mental collapse, if I’m being honest. I’m ready to quit my job and meander barefoot through the streets, talking to people or animals or whatever spirits are about looking for a good conversation. I am so completely detached from the things that most people feel are important. At the same time, I just want to blend in with the scenery and go unnoticed. I have no interest in becoming a topic of conversation or trying to convince others that I am actually onto something good. So I struggle to find that magical balance between letting go of reality and still maneuvering it effectively. Part of this is surely the PMDD talking but the feeling of being done is still very much the theme of my life right now. I feel as if I am fading away. I’ve been hyper focused on things like what songs I would want played at my funeral, what poems shared, what words do I want the girls to carry from me. Not because I am eager to go, but because I feel like that’s what is happening. Like it won’t matter if I spend this summer on the beach collecting sunshine and memories because I won’t be around to deal with the consequences.

Me: I want to quit my job. I’m tired of corporate culture and listening to people talk about golf.

D: My commune is hiring

Me: I have mad skillz

Mostly lounging and yelling at little people

D: That’s what we’re looking for

Me: Will sarcasm be one of the official languages?

D: The only one

Me: I’m in

Fatch

I had a dream about you last night. I stopped by the farm but two of your friends were there so we didn’t talk much. I hung around the barn a little and then as I was about to leave you pulled me aside and kissed me like crazy. It was amazing to be that near to you again. To smell you and feel your skin. I have been reliving it all day. We were getting pretty intense when you said “I’m not sure what’s going to happen, if you’re going to up and leave again, but I just can’t help being hard right now.” The entire moment came crashing down on me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to explain why I ended things the first time. I wanted to tell you that I needed to see you more, know what you were thinking if I was going to commit to you. But it was so clear that nothing was going to change and eventually I was going to up and leave again. I wanted to smack you for saying something so stupid but I wanted to keep kissing you. Keep feeling what it was like to be near you. I miss that so much. People pulled in the driveway and the dream ended before I finished processing my thoughts. I know that I’m letting you go and that is fucking hard but it has to happen. We either don’t want the same things or are really horrible at communicating it. Either way we are doomed.