Cirque de Dismay

You bother me less.

But in spite of my healing, I occasionally get caught back in the eddy of fear and confusion that you were so unconsciously adept at swirling up in me. I have to believe it was subconscious for my own piece of mind.

You were the ringmaster.

The centre of the show, calling all the shots and wowing the crowds with your artfully curated performances; leading them to whatever conclusion best suited your ego.

I was a performer.

A monkey you trained, using a fluid system of rewards and reprimands. Two truths and a lie, folded into a veiled insult to leave me scratching my head long enough for you to change the subject.

You would hold up the hoops and I would jump because I loved you. You would set them on fire and I would jump because I was committed. You would hang them over a tank of hungry sharks and I would jump because I believed I could make it. You would place spikes on the landing and I would jump because it was a habit. The crowd would go wild, not knowing that the tent was collapsing on top of us all. I would lay down at night to process 1000 little traumas that had no name.

Then one day I realized that the lock on my cage was imagined, and I decided to leave the circus.

About A Boy

I don’t cry over you

Not like I do the others

You were magic, warmth and mystery

Pillows and duvet covers

The ease of water in motion

Trickling down a gentle slope

Kindess and comprehension

Smells like exclusive soap

Walks in unknown forests

Layers of green, a wolf, a river

Grilled cheese and conversation

The easing of my shiver

A sheep in punk kid clothing

Not intrusive, but ever near

I loved being there

I loved having you here

The fork came, looming cruelly

A left and then a right

Time to draw the curtains

Take a bow, say goodnight

But you raised the bar higher

Than most will dare to go

You changed my life forever

I just thought you should know

A Narc To The Flame

You don’t need to use that tone

Don’t speak to me like that

Do you think you’re getting wise to me?

Your light in need of gas?

 

Is it that time of the month?

You’re on your period or something?

You must have misunderstood, again

I would never do that thing!

 

Are we really going to do this again?

Why do you always get so mad

You should trust me more than that

I’m giving you all I have

 

It’s your family issues, really

You know that they’re all crazy

It’s not your fault you’re like this

Come on, look at me baby

 

You know how much I love you

Hell, I just said the words

You’re overthinking everything

It’s causing so much hurt

 

It’s ok, I forgive you

You didn’t mean to make me cry

You didn’t mean to cause a fuss

When you caught me in that lie

 

Now kiss me, reassure me

Make all these troubles fade away

Take all my insecurities

And place them in your way

 

Make me feel adored and special

Don’t let the focus on me pass

Don’t take your light away from me

Without it, I’m just gas

Ripples

March 22, 2018

I knew early on that it was love. The thing that brought us all here. Breathed life, animated us. I don’t know how I knew. I just knew. The problem with knowing, is that not everyone does it. They spend lives either exalting the knowers or exasperated by them, never stopping to notice that they could know too, if they bothered to try. I never tried, really. It was just always there. And when you know all of the universe, it’s hard to be around people who are deathly afraid of knowing. You find yourself moving left, all the while being pulled right. Right isn’t logical but there it is, refusing to be ignored. Insolent, illogical right. Eventually, after thirty some years of left, left, left, you find yourself in a holding patter of counterclockwise drudgery, wondering why you ever let other people’s fear of knowing have its way with you. Fear didn’t being us here. Fear had no part in any of it. Love ran the show from day one but somehow we mucked it all up. I’m still not sure if being a knower makes me obligated to be a doer. Or if love will allow me to observe. A knower and a watcher, creating ripples in the fear.

For Daughters

October 25, 2017

I am but honoured, that you chose my portal as the entrance of your existence

My body, turned shapeshifter, moulded to be your residence

Soul, raptured by your presence

 

Fretful anticipation, affecting every cell

For I knew before I knew

That you were my portal as well

 

Launched me into motherhood with a glance at chocolate eyes

Handed me challenge after challenge

So I could rise, Rise RISE

 

I thought I was to teach you, be your protector, be your guide

But you descended as a master

Ever patient, by my side

 

Now I get to live with heaven, flowing beauty through your flesh

Ever speechless that God made me the keeper of you